Some Gentle Reminders from Your New Co-Op

Photograph by Marta Iwanek / Toronto Star via Getty

Welcome, new member, to the Green Life Co-Op Community! We are so excited to have you join our humble grocery family. But, before you get shopping, we ask that you please contemplate the following membership meditations:

—As a member, you will become a Steward of Green Life, or "the Life," and have the privilege of shopping and working with us.

—Green Life is committed to fresh, organic produce that comes to us every hour, on the hour, in rickshaws from local farms. (If dirt is not on your fruits and vegetables, feel welcome to dip them in our soil troughs after checkout.)

—Our community offers everything you might require for a healthy, happy, and environmentally sensitive life. Hence, we call the items we carry "needs" or "gifts," as opposed to "products."

—If there is something that you feel you desire, but we do not carry it, we support you in reëvaluating your personal definition of "needs" and "wants."

—As a Steward, you will serve at least one shift a month at the store. "At least" refers to a minimal level of contribution. Please be mindful that contributing one shift a month may be all it takes for you to cause the Life to fail.

—While on your shift, all eye contact should be prolonged and meaningful.

—Your work slot will be determined for you. Should you delay your shift's start time by more than ten minutes without prior, written notice, you will be placed on watch. Should you disappoint us again, we will require you to display an Act of Loyalty.

—We prefer to keep synthetic energies within the store to a minimum—please put your devices on their most introspective settings.

—After shopping, please proceed to the checkout lines to debrief and exchange earthly capital for your gifts. We do not print receipts. A description of your purchases can be e-mailed to your parents or written in the air.

—New-member orientation, or "waxing," takes place on each solstice.

—We are focussed on fracturing involuntary, inherited tribes to create a stronger intentional Unity of People, so other members of your biological or legal family will not be allowed to join the Life.

—“Why I Wanted More for Myself” pamphlets are available for those Stewards having trouble explaining the membership fees to their parents.

—The Life contains everything one needs. As a sign of solidarity and loyalty, Stewards are disallowed from supporting other businesses.

—No fatties.

—All members will be given badges featuring their preferred gender pronouns, allergies, and totem legume. Some Stewards even add their names!

—You will be issued a white "agricultural frock" to wear at all times.

—We prefer to focus on recycling rather than elimination, so there are no bathrooms on site. Your bio-meditation can be taken care of in our river-adjacent, aqua-composting toilet three lots down.

—Stewards are allowed to consume gluten off premises, but must reorganize their personal algae before reëntering.

—We do not offer "baby" lettuces. The community supports attachment parenting for our produce, and chooses not to sever the child leaf from the parent leaf. (We do have baby carrots.)

—Stewards are allowed to partner with non-Stewards. But, if the union leads to a child, the baby, or "weed," is disallowed from entering the Life.

—Our system cannot convert .PDF or .docx files, so we prefer membership contracts to be signed in person, in blood.

—No talking.

—Stewards have the opportunity to gift the Life eighty per cent of their possessions or risk persecution.

—The Life was created by Youness Greenlife, a Light Farmer who blossomed from the sky.

—In two months, the Earth will explode. The Life will assemble its Stewards, who will be launched across the universe, to pollinate other, deserving planets.

—Don't forget to "like" us on Facebook!