As June charges on, the cities across our free nation that host Pride Parades explode with color, cheer and acceptance. If you’ve never been to a Pride Parade—make it a priority. They’re just about the happiest celebrations you could skip into and The. Gays. Go. Cray. Support your favorite ‘mos by whipping up a lovely rainbow cake! Or, ya know, take it to a child’s birthday party–which was probably the original intention. Whatevs.
For the happiest cake ever baked you will need:
A box of cake mix (because we’ve got places to be)
-make sure it’s a light, easily dyed color
All the ingredients the box says
Gel food coloring (it’s more vibrant)
Annnd that’s it! (If “Pride” is not yet available, then just allow parents to simmer a little longer, add a few drinks and allow emotional scaring to cool.)
Get your batter going just like the recipe says, with the pre-heating and the mixing and such. Easy, right? Cool! Now let’s make it complicated.
Divide the batter equally into separate bowls. Make an even portion available for each color you’d like to use. (6 colors = 6 batches, etc.) While dyeing the batter remember that light colors will submit to more dominate ones, just like life. So when mixing red and yellow to conjure a juicy orange shade, start with the yellow and gradually add the more powerful red. The same applies with blue and yellow for green. When mixing, remember that yellow is a total bottom.
Now mix those colors like it’s the ‘60’s!
The next steps will be determined by how many cake pans you have, the amount of batter, etc. If you have enough batter and pans to make 6 different cakes and compile the gayest baked good since every wedding cake–then be my guest. If you have three pans then you could put two shades in each pan, gently pouring the 2nd color on top. If you only have one pan (this guy!) then swirl three colors together (as pictured) without mixing completely, bake and repeat with the next three.
Even with all that dye the texture or cook time of the cakes will not be disrupted. Technology! So just follow the given directions for baking and slide your pans of light and joy into the oven.
Now what are we to do about the icing? Personally, I don’t want one cloud to get in the way of these rainbows, so I’m going frosting-free on this one. But maybe you want cake and icing or maybe you just want frosting on a plate with a spoon? (If so, I’d love a guest blogger) Either way, I am going to love and support you no matter what. Even if you go without an icing, its important to add a filling. Because we don’t want things getting dry and because it’s a cake so duh.
I looked-up several different recipes for a cake filling with limited ingredients, because I only had limited ingredients. But sometimes the baking world gets a little pretentious and does want you to succeed. So I decided “imma be me” and improvised one because I was born this way.
I started with (3 Ts) butter because duh, melted it in a sauce pan and stirred in handfuls of powdered sugar until I got a thicker consistency—probably around ½ a cup. I add some vanilla extract for flavor. Then I added an egg white and whipped the Jesus out of it for a frothy texture. Then I stirred in some flour to thicken it further. There might have been a splash of milk and maybe cinnamon? I forget, everything happened so fast! It was delicious and perfect and took roughly 4 minutes total. I allowed my mixture to cool, wiser.
Remove your cakes from the oven whenever a toothpick (or a q tip with the fuzzy end pulled off, whoops) can be stabbed in the middle and come out clean. Then allow them to cool completely while you Instagram pics to your gay friends. Once cool, self-righteously slosh some of your Secret Family Recipe Filling over the layer that will be bottoming and gently stack the other on top. Transport to the closest Pride Pregame** and know you’re the best thing to happen to Gay Advocacy since that dairy movie.
**note: The chance that your gay friends will eat cake on Pride morning is slim; because there is nothing more prideful that filling oneself with body dysmorphic shame. So don’t feel guilty starting the cake by yourself. Eventually, they’ll be too excited by all the colors to care about openly eating.